Looking Back

Here I am again, on the same path I thought I had left. The path of failure, the path of a loser, the path of pain. It’s not the first time I find myself here.

Every time I hoped for too much, I expected too much and yearned for more than I can have. I found myself falling, deeper and deeper, to an abyss my very soul irks and shudders to see.

My mind, my body, my soul carry scars self inflicted, from desires that only ended up mutilating my very being. In the aftermath of my superficial wants and needs, I ended up bargaining for something far more valuable than any material on this planet, my very being.

Looking back, I realize that this path isn’t so bad after all, for it makes you realize what one has lost. Yes, in the very reality, one can see his shortcomings, which hurt beyond measure, more than any knives could inflict upon the very soul and mind that one hopes to keep sane.

The mind rushes hither and thither, searching for someone to point a finger at, someone to blame for one’s dilemma, looking for an easy way out of all this. There it is, slowly oozing out, wanting to maintain its form, wanting to hold on to itself, holding on to my being. This enemy is as old as I am, for I am its creator, yet it controls me. It is the whole reason I am this dilemma, and as long as I allow it to control me, this cycle will repeat.

For this enemy is none other than my own EGO, that comes along with its minions, called Jealousy, Hate, False Pride, Greed, Desire, and Fear. The very driving forces our society so depend on to control each other.

As I find myself on this painful path, for some reason it is also a breath of fresh air. Because it is only in times of difficulty where one is willing to take a look at how small one really is, how insignificant one really is, how beautiful life truly is despite all the shortcomings of us all, despite all the pain around us.

The longer I spend my time on this path, the more ego drains out of me, leaving behind an empty shell, where new ideas and thoughts can enter. For now, the cup is drained, and fresh ideas can be filled in.

Now that I look at it and look back once more, I realize that every time I found myself upon this path of pain and failure, I only emerged stronger and better, as long as I allowed my ego to be drained.

Looking back, I can smile at it now, despite the pain that is yet to come, knowing that this too shall pass.



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